The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed. —Ellen DeGeneres More about this quote Tags: humor psychic astrology Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. —Jim Davis More about this quote Tags: humor diet vegetables cake Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Living in a vacuum sucks. —Adrienne E. Gusoff More about this quote Tags: humor language vacuum Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Even Napoleon had his Watergate. —Yogi Berra More about this quote Tags: history humor Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer. —Will Rogers More about this quote Tags: humor cynicism law crime Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it, the better. —George Carlin More about this quote Tags: humor silence speech Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Wouldn't it be weird if the only way people could die was that their heads suddenly exploded without warning? If there was simply no other cause of death? One day you'd be sitting there having a hot chocolate, and suddenly your head would explode. —George Carlin More about this quote Tags: humor death explosions Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. —An English Professor More about this quote Tags: humor language paper Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say. —Ronnie Shakes More about this quote Tags: God humor cold Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me. —Ronnie Shakes More about this quote Tags: humor survival apocalypse Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. —Steven Wright More about this quote Tags: humor driving irony Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. —Henny Youngman More about this quote Tags: humor success skydiving Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? —Jay Leno More about this quote Tags: humor lottery psychics Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. —Groucho Marx More about this quote Tags: humor time fruit flies non sequiter bananas Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. —Groucho Marx More about this quote Tags: humor reading books dogs Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email