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If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

—Oscar Wilde

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truth humor risk death
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Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

—Steven Wright

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humor night cards poker
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Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

—Dave Barry

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fun trees skiing
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The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

—Evan Esar

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future past women men
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Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone.

—Gertrude Stein

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silence gratitude sharing
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I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

—Mitch Hedberg

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humor rice lots
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Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

—Russell Baker

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sadness misery company
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Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

—Spike Milligan

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quiet earplugs
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Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.

—Russell Baker

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cars efficiency
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I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

—Groucho Marx

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photographs footprints
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What music is more enchanting than the voices of young people, when you can't hear what they say?

—Logan Pearsall Smith

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music youth listening
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No one goes there nowadays, it's too crowded.

—Yogi Berra

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busyness crowds today
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A happy childhood is poor preparation for human contacts.

—Colette

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happiness childhood preparation
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Freedom is not enough.

—Lyndon B. Johnson

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freedom enough
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Freedom is not enough.

—Lyndon B. Johnson

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freedom enough
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