P. J. O'Rourke

Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.

—P. J. O'Rourke

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

—P. J. O'Rourke

Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen.

—P. J. O'Rourke

Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink.

—P. J. O'Rourke

Nothing bad's going to happen to us. If we get fired, it's not failure; it's a midlife vocational reassessment.

—P. J. O'Rourke

Never wear anything that panics the cat.

—P. J. O'Rourke

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

—P. J. O'Rourke

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

—P. J. O'Rourke

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

—P. J. O'Rourke

If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.

—P. J. O'Rourke

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

—P. J. O'Rourke

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

—P. J. O'Rourke

Drugs have taught an entire generation of Americans the metric system.

—P. J. O'Rourke

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

—P. J. O'Rourke

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

—P. J. O'Rourke