I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

About Mitch Hedberg

Mitchell Lee Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian. He was known for his one-liner comedy, characterized by surreal humor and his distinctive deadpan delivery, as well as his unconventional stage presence.

More quotations from Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

—Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

—Mitch Hedberg

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.

—Mitch Hedberg

humor rice lots

You can't please all of the people all of the time, and last night all of those people came to my show.

—Mitch Hedberg

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

—Mitch Hedberg

More quotations tagged with “humor”

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

—Steven Wright

humor ownership possession

Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.

—Carl Sandburg

war humor peace progress

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

—Steven Wright

humor light

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

—Mark Russell

humor science saturn

As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life — so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.

—Matt Cartmill

humor meaning knowledge science facts