Steven Wright

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

—Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

—Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

—Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

—Steven Wright

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

—Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

—Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music, so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio, and I say, "I think I might have written that.

—Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

—Steven Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

—Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

—Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world. Perhaps you've seen it.

—Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?

—Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

—Steven Wright

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

—Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

—Steven Wright