Steven Wright

When I was little I had a mood swing set.

—Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

—Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

—Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

—Steven Wright

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

—Steven Wright

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?

—Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

—Steven Wright

My uncle was a clown for the Ringling Brothers Circus, and when he died, all of his friends went to the funeral in one car.

—Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

—Steven Wright

The first time I ever read the dictionary I thought it was a poem about everything.

—Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

—Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

—Steven Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

—Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading.. And all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

—Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

—Steven Wright