To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself.
—Albert Einstein
I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in the world is fixed.
—Frank Deford
One thing you will probably remember well is any time you forgive and forget.
—Franklin P. Jones
In the next voyage of the Mayflower, after she carried the Pilgrims, she was employed in transporting a cargo of slaves from Africa.
—Nathaniel Hawthorne
A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth.
—George Bernard Shaw
I look at the politics of this country as a game that is played on the people, this illusion of choice. It's interesting that the important things have been reduced in number: oil companies, communications, pharmaceuticals, insurance, banking, accounting, all these firms have been merged and reduced. The choices are very limited. But if you want a bagel, we've got twenty-six flavors. There are four hundred kinds of mustard in this country. These are the illusions of choice. I don't really think choice is here to any substantive degree.
—George Carlin
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
—Andrew W. Mathis
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
—Milton Berle
What a pity, when Christopher Colombus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it.
—Margot Asquith
Things are always darkest just before they go pitch black.
—Kelly Robinson
I am a vegetarian. I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish, aren't they? . . . And pigs, cows, sheep, anything that lives near water. I'm like a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.
—Bill Bailey
I'm not the heroic type. I was beaten up by Quakers.
—Woody Allen
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
—Jack Handey
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing happened.
—George Carlin
Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
—Bill Watterson