If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

About Jack Handey

Jack Handey (born February 25, 1949) is an American humorist. He is best known for his "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey", a large body of surrealistic one-liner jokes featured on Saturday Night Live, as well as his "Fuzzy Memories" and "My Big Thick Novel" shorts, and for his deadpan delivery....

More quotations from Jack Handey

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

humor perspective criticism

The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, "Hey, I'm Vine Man.

I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.

humor memory people money

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car—I forget what kind it was—and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?

More quotations tagged with “irony”

I'm not the heroic type. I was beaten up by Quakers.

heroism violence irony heroes Quakers

I am a vegetarian. I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish, aren't they?… And pigs, cows, sheep, anything that lives near water. I'm like a postmodern vegetarian. I eat meat ironically.

food irony vegetarianism water

Things are always darkest just before they go pitch black.

—Kelly Robinson

pessimism darkness irony

What a pity, when Christopher Colombus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it.

—Margot Asquith

history discovery America irony

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

—Milton Berle

politics time irony committee waste

History

23 Nov 2014 Added