Honesty without kindness, humor, and goodheartedness can be just mean.
—Pema Chödrön in When Things Fall Apart
Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything.
—Kurt Vonnegut
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
—Mark Twain
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
—Solomon Short
Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves they have a better idea.
—John Ciardi
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
—Henny Youngman
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
—Spike Milligan
This planet has—or rather had—a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn’t the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
—Douglas Adams
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high-school class is running the country.
—Kurt Vonnegut
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
—Mitch Hedberg
If you even dream of beating me you’d better wake up and apologize.
—Muhammad Ali
To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.
—Oscar Wilde
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
—Jerry Seinfeld
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.
—Alfred North Whitehead
Never fight an inanimate object.
—P.J. O'Rourke