Life makes fools of all of us sooner or later. But keep your sense of humor and you'll at least be able to take your humiliations with some measure of grace.
—Paul Murray in Skippy Dies
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
—Steven Wright
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
—Albert Einstein
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
—Groucho Marx
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
—Scott Adams
I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.
—James Thurber
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)
—Ambrose Bierce
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!
—Tommy Smothers
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
—Woody Allen
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
—Robert Frost
I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.
—Spike Milligan
There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed.
—Peter Sellers
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
—Steven Wright
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
—Oscar Wilde
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something.
—Mitch Hedberg