Quodid The Ultimate Quotation Repository

Quotes about humor

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.

—Will Rogers

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humor cynicism law crime
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

—Steven Wright

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humor cars fire parking fire hydrants
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I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it, the better.

—George Carlin

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humor silence speech
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Wouldn't it be weird if the only way people could die was that their heads suddenly exploded without warning? If there was simply no other cause of death? One day you'd be sitting there having a hot chocolate, and suddenly your head would explode.

—George Carlin

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humor death explosions
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I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.

—An English Professor

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humor language paper
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I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

—Ronnie Shakes

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God humor cold
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I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.

—Ronnie Shakes

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humor survival apocalypse
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I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

—Steven Wright

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humor driving irony
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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

—Henny Youngman

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humor success skydiving
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Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.

—Hobart Brown

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humor happiness money wealth
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I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.

—Mahatma Gandhi

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humor equality media reporters photographers
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Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

—Jay Leno

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humor lottery psychics
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Our marriage license turned out to be a learner's permit.

—Joan Rivers

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humor learning marriage divorce
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When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

—George Bernard Shaw

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truth humor funny
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I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.

—Jack Handey

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humor memory people money
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