Make crime pay. Become a lawyer.
—Will Rogers
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
—Steven Wright
I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it, the better.
—George Carlin
Wouldn't it be weird if the only way people could die was that their heads suddenly exploded without warning? If there was simply no other cause of death? One day you'd be sitting there having a hot chocolate, and suddenly your head would explode.
—George Carlin
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
—An English Professor
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
—Ronnie Shakes
I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.
—Ronnie Shakes
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
—Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
—Henny Youngman
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.
—Hobart Brown
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers.
—Mahatma Gandhi
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
—Jay Leno
Our marriage license turned out to be a learner's permit.
—Joan Rivers
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
—George Bernard Shaw
I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.
—Jack Handey