If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.
—Alice Roosevelt Longworth
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
—Noelie Altito
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
—George Carlin
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
—Steven Wright
Her sense of humor had drawn him in first. Then her sweetness. She had a kind heart, loved children, and felt music in her soul like he did. They could talk for hours without running out of anything to say—something he hadn't found with most other women.
—Leia Shaw in Boy Meets Nerd
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
—Steven Wright
A joke's a very serious thing.
—Charles Churchill
Antonym, n.: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
—Unknown
I have every sympathy with the American [smoker] who was so horrified by what he had read of the effects of smoking that he gave up reading.
—Henry G. Strauss
Spaghetti can be eaten most successfully if you inhale it like a vacuum cleaner.
—Sophia Loren
Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
—Johnny Carson
If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
—Bob Hope
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
—Larry Hardiman
By all means marry: if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
—Socrates
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
—T. S. Eliot