Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
—H. L. Mencken
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life — so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.
—Matt Cartmill
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
—Mark Russell
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
—Steven Wright
Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come.
—Carl Sandburg
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
—Steven Wright
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
—Mitch Hedberg
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
—Anthony Burgess
I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.
—Orson Welles
People are, if anything, more touchy about being thought silly than they are about being thought unjust.
—E. B. White
I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
—Bernard Baruch
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
—G. K. Chesterton
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
—George Carlin
I make mistakes; I'll be the second to admit it.
—Jean Kerr
They call it the “American Dream” because you have to be asleep to believe it.
—George Carlin