I spent a week at a Buddhist monastic retreat, where I sat silently for hours at a time in an uncomfortable position trying to shatter my ego. Why bother? Two minutes with my wife and kids does the same thing.
—Brian Koffman
You grow up the day you have the first real laugh at yourself.
—Ethel Barrymore
Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.
—Daniel J. Boorstin
A certain kind of rich man afflicted with the symptoms of moral dandyism sooner or later comes to the conclusion that it isn't enough merely to make money. He feels obliged to hold views, to espouse causes and elect Presidents, to explain to a trembling world how and why the world went wrong. The spectacle is nearly always comic.
—Lewis H. Lapham
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on, I go into another room and read a good book.
—Groucho Marx
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
—Dwight D. Eisenhower
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
—Jim Bishop
Nothing like a lot of exercise to make you realize you'd rather be lazy and dead sooner.
—Randy K. Milholland
The toughest part of being on a diet is shutting up about it.
—Gerland Nachman
Man does not live by bread alone, but he also does not live long without it.
—Frederick Buechner
I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
—A. Whitney Brown
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
—Voltaire
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
—Edward De Bono
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
—Tom Lehrer
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
—Henny Youngman