A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
—Tennessee Williams
The world is round; it has no point.
—Adrienne E. Gusoff
The grass is always greener once you don't have to mow a lawn anymore.
—Randy K. Milholland
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
—Robert Benchley
To know one's self is wisdom, but not to know one's neighbors is genius.
—Minna Antrim
If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done.
—Ludwig Wittgenstein
When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.
—Bob Edwards
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
—Bob Hope
Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again
—Mike Myers
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
—Tommy Cooper
If you're not scared or angry at the thought of a human brain being controlled remotely, then it could be this prototype of mine is finally starting to work.
—John Alejandro King
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
—George Burns
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
—Douglas Adams
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
—Woody Allen
It's better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
—Laurence J. Peter