I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
—Steven Wright
I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
—Paula Poundstone
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
—Woody Allen
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
—Jay London
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
—Rodney Dangerfield
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
—Mitch Hedberg
Whom are you?' he asked, for he had attended business college.
—George Ade
Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four.
—Katharine Hepburn
Indecision may or may not be my problem.
—Jimmy Buffett
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
—Mel Brooks
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
—Peter O'Toole
Careful. We don't want to learn from this.
—Bill Watterson
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
—Dick Clark
Who are you and how did you get in here?' 'I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.
—Leslie Nielsen
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
—Phyllis Diller