Humor

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

—Steven Wright

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.

—Oscar Wilde

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

—Woody Allen

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

—James Thurber

Things could always be worse; for instance, you could be ugly and work in the Post Office.

—Adrienne E. Gusoff

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

—Woody Allen

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

—Rodney Dangerfield

These days an income is something you can't live without—or within.

—Tom Wilson

Women should be obscene and not heard.

—Groucho Marx

I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.

—Artemus Ward

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

—Woody Allen

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world.

—George Bernard Shaw

It's human to make mistakes and some of us are more human than others.

—Ashleigh Brilliant

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

—Jack Handey