Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.
—Tom Masson
When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.
—Thomas Szasz
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
—Steven Wright
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
—Mitch Hedberg
I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
—Ellen DeGeneres
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that, deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting late.
—Jack Handey
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested, and the frog dies of it.
—E. B. White
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
—William James
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.
—Ronnie Shakes
I think the only way to get through this life is laughing hard and constantly, mostly at myself.
—Shannon Hale in The Goose Girl
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
—Emo Philips
The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.
—Ellen DeGeneres
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.
—Jim Davis
Living in a vacuum sucks.
—Adrienne E. Gusoff
Even Napoleon had his Watergate.
—Yogi Berra