Emo Philips - Quodid

About

Emo Philips (born Philip Soltanec, February 7, 1956) is an American stand-up comedian and actor. His stand-up comedy persona makes use of paraprosdokians spoken in a wandering falsetto tone of voice.

from Wikipedia

Quotes from Emo Philips

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

—Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

—Emo Philips

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

—Emo Philips

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!… There's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

—Emo Philips

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked for forgiveness.

—Emo Philips

forgiveness prayer theft stealing

You have to wait ten days to buy a gun in LA. I can't stay mad that long.

—Emo Philips

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today, and I found a wallet. I was going to keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: Well, if I lost $150, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

—Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

—Emo Philips

humor computers chess

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

—Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

—Emo Philips