I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
—Steven Wright
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
—W. Clement Stone
Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.
—Charles Bukowski
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night.
—Charlie Brown in Charles Schulz's Peanuts
Sir Francis Drake circumcized the world with a hundred-foot clipper.
—Unknown history student
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
—Groucho Marx
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
—Rita Rudner
I saw a stationery store move.
—Jay London
I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.
—Howard Nemerov
At the Garrick Club (a famous London club of which several leading actors were members) on New Year's Eve, Freddy Lonsdale was asked by Seymour Hicks to make up over a quarrel he had previously had with one of his fellow members. "You must," Seymour said. "It is very unkind to be unfriendly at such a time. Go over now and wish him a happy New Year." Freddy crossed the room and spoke to his enemy. "I wish you a happy New Year," he said, "but only one.
—Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
—John Lehman
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
—Emo Phillips
All religions are the same: religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.
—Cathy Ladman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
—Henny Youngman
I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!" I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!
—Ellen DeGeneres