I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

humor ballet dancing

About Rita Rudner

Portrait of Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner (born September 17, 1953) is an American stand-up comedian and actress. Beginning her career as a Broadway actress, Rudner noticed the lack of female comedians in New York City and turned to stand-up comedy, where she has performed for over three decades. Her performance on a variety of...

More quotations from Rita Rudner

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

love annoyance eternity marriage

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

right compromise arrogance

More quotations tagged with “humor”

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

—Groucho Marx

humor time fun evening

Sir Francis Drake circumcized the world with a hundred-foot clipper.

—Unknown history student

humor misunderstanding

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night.

—Charlie Brown in Charles Schulz's Peanuts

humor time wrong regret

Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.

—Charles Bukowski

humor memory morning making it

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

—W. Clement Stone

humor wine lunch