Henny Youngman

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

—Henny Youngman

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

—Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

—Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

—Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

—Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

—Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

—Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

—Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

—Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

—Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

—Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

—Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

—Henny Youngman