Henny Youngman

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Picture of Henny Youngman

Henry "Henny" Youngman (March 16, 1906 – February 24, 1998) was an English-born American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the "one-liner", his best known being "Take my wife... please".

Quotes from Henny Youngman

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

—Henny Youngman

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humor happiness money

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My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

—Henny Youngman

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humor drinking

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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

—Henny Youngman

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humor reading learning knowledge alcohol drinking

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Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

—Henny Youngman

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

—Henny Youngman

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humor place medicine

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When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

—Henny Youngman

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When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

—Henny Youngman

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

—Henny Youngman

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marriage secret

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

—Henny Youngman

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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

—Henny Youngman

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atheism

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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

—Henny Youngman

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

—Henny Youngman

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If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

—Henny Youngman

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humor success skydiving

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