What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.

If at first you don't succeed… so much for skydiving.

—Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

—Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

—Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up—they have no holidays.

—Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

—Henny Youngman

The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other peoples' money.

—Margaret Thatcher

These days an income is something you can't live without—or within.

—Tom Wilson

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

—P. J. O'Rourke

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

—Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.

—Woody Allen