When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

—Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

—Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

—Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

—Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

—Henny Youngman

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

—W. Somerset Maugham

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.

—W. C. Fields

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

—Robert Benchley

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

—Oscar Levant

The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.

—Nancy Astor