Humor

I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.

—Victor Borge

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

—Yogi Berra

All women should know how to take care of children. Most of them will have a husband some day.

—Franklin P. Jones

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

—Mark Twain

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

—Mitch Hedberg

On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

—Tom Lehrer

What's another word for Thesaurus?

—Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

—Steven Wright

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

—Ambrose Bierce

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

—Steven Wright

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

—Woody Allen

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

—Jackie Mason

Do you realize if it weren't for Edison we'd be watching TV by candlelight?

—Al Boliska

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

—Charlie Chaplin

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

—George Burns