Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
—Red Skelton
I figure when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, then I've done my job.
—Roseanne Barr
Kids are like buckets of disease that live in your house.
—Louis C.K.
I don't think anyone ever remembers what they were really like as kids. Adults think they do, but they don't. Photos and videos don't capture the real you, or bring back to life the person you used to be. You have to return to the past to do that.
—Darren Shan in Sons of Destiny
Sometimes it seems as though not a moment has moved, but then you look up and you're already old or you already have a household of kids or you look down and see your feet are miles and miles away from the rest of you—and you realize you've grown up.
—Jacqueline Woodson in Between Madison and Palmetto
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that, deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting late.
—Jack Handey
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.
—Bill Murray
If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
—Marcus Bridgstocke