Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
—Groucho Marx
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
—Joan Rivers
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
—Fred Allen
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
—Groucho Marx
I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency.
—Unknown
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
—David Lee Roth
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
—Groucho Marx
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
—Ronald Reagan
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
—Saint Augustine
The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums.
—G. K. Chesterton
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
—Mark Twain
Nearly one-half of all Americans are torsos.
—Demetri Martin
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell-you see, I have friends in both places.
—Mark Twain
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait.
—Jose Simon
I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf.
—Robert Bloch