I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

—Steven Wright

humor batteries electronics

About Steven Wright

Portrait of Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer and film producer. He is known for his distinctive lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

More quotations from Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music, so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio, and I say, "I think I might have written that.

—Steven Wright

music listening radio songs

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

—Steven Wright

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

—Steven Wright

fear kindness schizophrenia

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

—Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

—Steven Wright

time perspective travel walking

More quotations tagged with “humor”

There is the view that poetry should improve your life. I think people confuse it with the Salvation Army.

—John Ashbery

life humor poetry improvement confusion

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

reality fear humor dreams

All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things.

—Bobby Knight

humor education accomplishment writing

I suppose that I shall have to die beyond my means.

humor money death wealth

I never think that people die. They just go to department stores.

humor death shopping

History

26 Nov 2014 Added