Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
—Rita Rudner
Every nation ridicules other nations, and all are right.
—Arthur Schopenhauer
It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
—H. L. Mencken
I have had more trouble with myself than with any other man.
—Dwight L. Moody
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for—in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
—Ellen Goodman
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
—George Carlin
What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.
—Pearl Bailey
I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.
—Garry Shandling
If you lack the iron and the fuzz to take control of your own life, if you insist on leaving your fate to the gods, then the gods will repay your weakness by having a grin or two at your expense.
—Tom Robbins
The meek shall inherit the Earth, but not its mineral rights.
—J. Paul Getty
What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others.
—Diogenes
I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?
—Jean Kerr
Time sneaks up on you like a windshield on a bug.
—John Lithgow
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
—Jerome K. Jerome
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.
—Ernest Haskins