I’m all for gun control. Sometimes I shake a little; I’ve got to use two hands.
—Tom Kearney
The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
—Carl Sagan in Broca's Brain
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
—Laurence J. Peter
The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.
—David M. Ogilvy
The English language was carefully, carefully cobbled together by three blind dudes and a German dictionary.
—Dave Kellett
We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.
—Bill Vaughan
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral.
—Robert Orben
Be nice. Funny. Smart. Generous. Kind. Feed your body with good food. Your soul with good friends. And your mind with new things.
—Jillian Dodd in Love Me
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
—Fred Allen
Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
—G. K. Chesterton
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
—Robert Benchley
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
—Burt Bacharach
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.
—Alfred North Whitehead
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
—George Carlin
Where can I find a man who has forgotten words? I would like to have a word with him.
—Chuang Tzu