Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage.
—H. L. Mencken
Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.
—E. B. White
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
—Jack Handey
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.
—Peter De Vries
Knowledge is power, if you know it about the right person.
—Ethel Mumford
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
—Timothy Leary
When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway.
—Clyde B. Aster
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
—H. L. Mencken
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
—Groucho Marx
What sublime thoughts filled my mind as I bent to the wind, and trudged through the gorse and heather? I will tell you. I was wondering how much money I shall make out of my next book. Thus does nature keep us in touch with the great realities of existence.
—J.B. Morton
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
—Orson Welles
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
—Steve Martin
A fishing rod is a stick with a hook at one end and a fool at the other.
—Samuel Johnson
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
—Laurence J. Peter
They say, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” But I think the guns help. Just standing there saying, “Bang!” doesn’t really hurt anybody.
—Eddie Izzard