Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.

—Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

—Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.

—Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

—Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

—Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.

—Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

—Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

—Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

—Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

—Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

—Steven Wright

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

—Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

—Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

—Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

—Steven Wright