Groucho Marx

Never have children, only grandchildren.

—Groucho Marx

Justice is a contract of expediency, entered upon to prevent men harming or being harmed.

—Groucho Marx

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

—Groucho Marx

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

—Groucho Marx

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

—Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

—Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

—Groucho Marx

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

—Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

—Groucho Marx

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

—Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

—Groucho Marx

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

—Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

—Groucho Marx

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

—Groucho Marx

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

—Groucho Marx