Evan Esar

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

—Evan Esar

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.

—Evan Esar

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended.

—Evan Esar

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

—Evan Esar

Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits that under analysis some of them won't stand up either.

—Evan Esar

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.

—Evan Esar

Most new books are forgotten within a year, especially by those who borrow them.

—Evan Esar

Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.

—Evan Esar

Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

—Evan Esar

Control's a funny thing. It comes and goes. Some days I had it, some days I didn't. It felt like every time I did something healthy, I had this in satiable need to counterbalance it by doing something unhealthy.

—Evan Esar

The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.

—Evan Esar

Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.

—Evan Esar

Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.

—Evan Esar

Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment.

—Evan Esar

Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.

—Evan Esar