My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
—Henny Youngman
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
—Robert Benchley
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
—Henny Youngman
I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.
—Oscar Levant
Truth can be found everywhere, even on the lips of drunkards, in the noisiest of taverns.
—Elie Wiesel
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not.
—Mark Twain
Ah! Memory impairment: the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle!
—Chuck Lorre, Steven Molaro and Eric Kaplan
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
—W. C. Fields
Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink.
—P. J. O'Rourke
I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep.
—George Best
I'm a secretary. On a good day I type ninety-five words per minute; on a bad day I show up drunk in my pajamas.
—Mary Beth Cowan
And malt does more than Milton can
To justify God's ways to man.
—A. E. Housman
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
—Dave Barry
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
—Dean Martin
Bacchus hath drowned more men than Neptune.
—Dr. Thomas Fuller