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Mitch Hedberg

About

Mitchell Lee Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and deadpan delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.

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Quotes from Mitch Hedberg

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

—Mitch Hedberg

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humor activism
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I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

—Mitch Hedberg

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humor blackjack gambling
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Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

—Mitch Hedberg

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age food adulthood macaroni and cheese
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

—Mitch Hedberg

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humor gravity jewelry necklaces
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

—Mitch Hedberg

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humor water plants
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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

—Mitch Hedberg

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music water whistling
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I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

—Mitch Hedberg

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humor time sleep
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I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

—Mitch Hedberg

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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

—Mitch Hedberg

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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

—Mitch Hedberg

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I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

—Mitch Hedberg

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humor dreams
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You know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

—Mitch Hedberg

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I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

—Mitch Hedberg

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knowledge cars expertise
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With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?

—Mitch Hedberg

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comedy fruit food colors banana
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

—Mitch Hedberg

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