If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.
—Ted Turner
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
—Lewis Mumford
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
—e. e. cummings
Where humor is concerned there are no standards—no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
—John Kenneth Galbraith
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
—Spike Milligan
I'm what you call a teleological existential atheist. I believe there's an intelligence to the universe with the exception of certain parts of New Jersey.
—Woody Allen
The universal brotherhood of man is our most precious possession, what there is of it.
—Mark Twain
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
—Abraham Lincoln
I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met.
—Herb Caen
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
—Jane Caminos
One of Vladimir de Pachmann's favorite tricks before a recital was to play about with the piano stool, adjusting and readjusting it, until the audience became desperate. Then he would rush into the wings to fetch a large book, place it on the seat, and try that. He would indicate that all was still not satisfactory and would tear one page from the book and try again.
—Little, Brown Book of Anecdotes
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
—Demetri Martin
A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.
—John Updike
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
—George Bernard Shaw
There is little success where there is little laughter.
—Andrew Carnegie