My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums.
—G. K. Chesterton
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
Nearly one-half of all Americans are torsos.
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell-you see, I have friends in both places.
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait.
I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar on my shelf.
Life makes fools of all of us sooner or later. But keep your sense of humor and you'll at least be able to take your humiliations with some measure of grace.
—Paul Murray in Skippy Dies
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.
I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)