I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later. —Mitch Hedberg More about this quote Tags: humor dreams Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. For one thing, there's morning sickness. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before. —Ellen DeGeneres More about this quote Tags: humor alcohol motherhood Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that, deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting late. —Jack Handey More about this quote Tags: humor kids Disney Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested, and the frog dies of it. —E. B. White More about this quote Tags: humor interest Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. —William James More about this quote Tags: humor common sense speed Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August. —Ronnie Shakes More about this quote Tags: hope humor time weather Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I think the only way to get through this life is laughing hard and constantly, mostly at myself. —Shannon Hale in The Goose Girl More about this quote Tags: humor laughter endurance Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. —Emo Philips More about this quote Tags: humor computers chess Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed. —Ellen DeGeneres More about this quote Tags: humor psychic astrology Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie. —Jim Davis More about this quote Tags: humor diet vegetables cake Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Living in a vacuum sucks. —Adrienne E. Gusoff More about this quote Tags: humor language vacuum Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Even Napoleon had his Watergate. —Yogi Berra More about this quote Tags: history humor Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Make crime pay. Become a lawyer. —Will Rogers More about this quote Tags: humor cynicism law crime Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. —Steven Wright More about this quote Tags: humor cars fire parking fire hydrants Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it, the better. —George Carlin More about this quote Tags: humor silence speech Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email