I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
—An English Professor
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
—David Lee Roth
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums.
—G. K. Chesterton