I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
—An English Professor
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
—David Lee Roth
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.