Wouldn't it be weird if the only way people could die was that their heads suddenly exploded without warning? If there was simply no other cause of death? One day you'd be sitting there having a hot chocolate, and suddenly your head would explode. —George Carlin More about this quote Tags: humor death explosions Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. —An English Professor More about this quote Tags: humor language paper Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say. —Ronnie Shakes More about this quote Tags: God humor cold Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me. —Ronnie Shakes More about this quote Tags: humor survival apocalypse Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. —Steven Wright More about this quote Tags: humor driving irony Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. —Henny Youngman More about this quote Tags: humor success skydiving Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars. —Hobart Brown More about this quote Tags: humor happiness money wealth Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers. —Mahatma Gandhi More about this quote Tags: humor equality media reporters photographers Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? —Jay Leno More about this quote Tags: humor lottery psychics Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money. —Jack Handey More about this quote Tags: humor memory people money Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. —Groucho Marx More about this quote Tags: humor time fruit flies non sequiter bananas Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. —Fred Allen More about this quote Tags: humor reading writing money buying Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. —Groucho Marx More about this quote Tags: humor reading books dogs Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency. —Unknown More about this quote Tags: humor Groucho Marx Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. —David Lee Roth More about this quote Tags: humor fitness water jogging Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email