I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. —An English Professor More about this quote Tags: humor language paper Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say. —Ronnie Shakes More about this quote Tags: God humor cold Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me. —Ronnie Shakes More about this quote Tags: humor survival apocalypse Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there. —Steven Wright More about this quote Tags: humor driving irony Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving. —Henny Youngman More about this quote Tags: humor success skydiving Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? —Jay Leno More about this quote Tags: humor lottery psychics Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money. —Jack Handey More about this quote Tags: humor memory people money Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. —Groucho Marx More about this quote Tags: humor time fruit flies non sequiter bananas Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. —Fred Allen More about this quote Tags: humor reading writing money buying Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. —Groucho Marx More about this quote Tags: humor reading books dogs Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency. —Unknown More about this quote Tags: humor Groucho Marx Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. —David Lee Roth More about this quote Tags: humor fitness water jogging Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes. —Ronald Reagan More about this quote Tags: war humor America Russia bombing Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. —Saint Augustine More about this quote Tags: humor purity indulgence Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email
The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums. —G. K. Chesterton More about this quote Tags: humor insanity self-confidence Permalink for this quote facebook twitter tumblr email