I always wanted to be the last guy on Earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
I am a Marxist--of the Groucho tendency.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
—David Lee Roth
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums.
—G. K. Chesterton
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
Nearly one-half of all Americans are torsos.
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell-you see, I have friends in both places.